Lick my love pump! We can all be Bards in our own bedrooms, claims Adrian Gillan.

If the English language is one of our greatest assets then why - in bed - are we a nation of frigid mutes? Why do we underestimate and neglect the latent power of words to conjure Eros? I’m not suggesting a dictionary and elocution lessons - although many’s the climax spoiled by my having to ask some bad boy mumbler, “Sorry, what did you say?” at his point of no return.

Thoughts are framed by words so why not communicate and conjure with words better? It’s both the sounds and the connotations they evoke that raise the heat and horn: “Sit on my face I wanna suck your juicy furry fairy nads.  Then shoot over my lashes with your creamy white c*m, pumping your manly jism, you f**king tosser.”

Slang’s great, but it’s so refreshing sometimes to get back to basics - to revisit the classics, and not just in medical scenarios: Penis, foreskin, testicle, genitals, gonads, scrotum and semen! The power of these words still thrills me every bit as much as cock, balls and hood - words equally loaded.

So, how to get started?

Way back in my youth, my bedfellows and I used to limber up with a quick game of word tennis, a sensual slanging match. We’d pick an object like “prick” or verb like “suck", and find other words or phrases for them, each in turn. We could go on for hours without respite. You end up inventing phrases:  joy stick, ram raider - all terms to savour, horny and funny depending on the mood.

You might try visiting websites dedicated to “rich language” before you hit the sack, to get inspiration and moisten the mouth. A loose tongue makes a stiff dick. Just take self-pleasuring: clean the rifle, crank the shank, drain the monster, fist your mister, hold the sausage hostage!

Role play, phone sex, cyber sex, and the most recent innovation - text sex - all have language at their core. They all require you to become less self-conscious to avoid those awkward “oh yeah baby” blue movie moments. You’ll soon develop a style of your own and get used to your partner’s rare phrasings.

Another good way of cracking the oral ice is to ham it up. You’ll soon break the blush barrier and cum out the other side, fluent and sweaty. Camp up the “f**k me you bitch” lines a tad, over-egg the verbal cake, and before long you’ll be speaking through spanking and roaring through whoring. It’s pretty noisy, so either warn the neighbours or - better - pick a time when they’re at work or on hols to really let rip.

As Shakespeare said: “Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear.” So get yer f**king tongue out of yer frigging arse and give it to me bitch!