There should be a law against people who take offence and sue at being called “gay” – regardless of their actual orientation; and especially if they’ve made, and continue to make, a highly lucrative living from flaunting other selected aspects of their “private lives”.

Attention-compulsive Robbie Williams – who has frequently even himself joked about being “gay” to grab headlines and thereby win sales - recently won libel damages in excess of £200,000 from the publishers of The People newspaper and two celebrity magazines, over claims they made that he was in fact a closet homo and had lied to his fans. Reminiscent of the Jason Donovan vs The Face case in the early 90s, assured a solicitor for the insecure, smirking 31-year old crooner: "Mr Williams is not, and has never been, homosexual."

Likewise, an episode of South Park - “outing” a fictional Tom Cruise - has just been pulled in the UK, in case the real life mega-rich mega-star sues. The Sun claimed the installment - which has already aired in the US, to Cruise’s incandescent fury - depicts ex-wife Kidman and fellow Scientologist John Travolta trying to coax him out of the closet. The Big Screen Top Gun Heterosexual is also firing warning shots at Princess Diana’s biographer Andrew Morton who’s penning a new expose. Threatens Tom’s charming lawyer: “Make sure you check your facts. Mr. Cruise is not gay."

Lighten up Tom - or people will talk! What is it with you ‘n Robbie Williams anyway? And do you have to grope your ladies-of-the-moment for seemingly hours on end at premieres in front of the world’s cameras?

Warning: If any suit-happy tight-arsed star is ever shown up to be a hypocrite, let them repay every penny they’ve ever sued for - and some. Plus: Lock ‘em up if they’ve lied on oath.

By contrast, how refreshing: BAFTA-winning Brokeback Mountain actor Jake Gyllenhaal’s response to mere queer suggestion - "You know, it's flattering when there's a rumour that says I'm bisexual. I'm open to whatever people want to call me. I've never really been attracted to men sexually, but I don't think I would be afraid of it if it happened."

Adrian Gillan