Celebrity schmebrity! Forget Will Young or Justin ‘Trouser-Snake’: It’s all happening next door says Adrian Gillan, attacking the gay world’s obsession with stardom whilst out for a neighbourly knock.

Celebrities have always left me cold. I’ve just never been one to pin them up and get all gooey. Their remote, self-adulating, fabricated and overpaid egos leave me quite limp. Incidentally, the same goes for strangely anonymous magazine models called Hugo or Lucas with their equally sexless chiselled pouts all smeared with creams.

No. Give me the boy next door any day. I’ll take him where he is, as he’s rushing out the front, or in the street or on the tube. I make a fanfare for this common young man with cute chavvy, scally looks; and “boy” scribbled all over a blank cheeky-yet-moody face - still sweetly struggling with the first blooms of youth. Laugh and I laugh with you son; sulk and I’ll soothe you honey.

New stirrings explored behind closed doors, he sallies out onto neighbouring streets by force of nature like a puppy tripping over some budding dick. And strangely accessible is our nascent Lolita lad, malleable whilst treading paths untried, wholesome with a twinkle to entice.

All scrubbed up and wet behind the ears, and tantalisingly less innocent than he looks, through my nets I catch a fleeting glimpse of this boy-to-man walking the dog or his first young love: all blushes - still such a mummy’s boy. In his high-street labels - nothing fancy - baseball cap and jeans or trackies: he’s ten a penny and I’m in for a pound.

It’s precisely the lack of model looks, exclusive labels and poncy airs that make our ordinary, regular hero the raunch he is - nothing to distract from basic beauty and raw appeal. Why strike a pose when such a natural?

And the clincher for the case is this and proof indeed of where the real horn lies: celebrities have - in recent years, and responding to that small familiar screen in every corner - fought to eschew their glamorous ways and mimic the guy across the way.

From busted-up boy band Blue to soppy Ozzy soaps; from squeaky Cole or Owen to kids’ TV poppets - we more and more witness our everyday eye-candy emulated up on the screen - as best of mates. Why, even our own young Princes are at it, working the media like a pair of People’s pals!

But don’t be fooled or lulled: they’re all just as fake now as ever. You’re better off by far going straight for the original - your very own homely star over the road. Ah yes: the proverbial, fetishised and freshly phallic Boy Next Door, so near and yet so far - ironically elevated to the mythical and untouchable, yet still made flesh in all his glorious forms a mere wall’s width away.

So shut your mag and tear that poster down. Turn off the telly and open your eyes instead to the boyish beauties that surround.

Five things to know about “the boy next door”:

1. Check his age to ensure its all legal
2. He’s probably straight but may just stray
3. He may prefer bikes and dogs to boys or girls
4. His sweetest smile may say “get lost”
5. Don’t worry: there’s a new boy just over the way

Adrian Gillan